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Daniel Woodward

The Power of The Smashing Pumpkins' "Disarm"



Chances are, you’ve probably heard of The Smashing Pumpkins song, “Disarm.”


If you haven’t, allow me to introduce it to you.


It’s a song on their 1993 album, Siamese Dream, and was a radio single.


It’s also basically autobiographical, because it talks about the physical and emotional abuse song-writer Billy Corgan endured as a child, which of course affected the rest of his life.


It’s a very, terribly sad and moving song, with dramatic bells and violins over a background of acoustic guitar.


I used to hear it all the time and, as a younger person, it was of course always serious and moving.


Once in awhile, it might have caused me to shed a tear. Very rarely.


But now that I’m a forty year old dad with two kids, that has all changed. Because now, I can barely hear the song at all without crying.


In fact, I caught it on the radio just the other day while I was in the car and yep, out of nowhere, it got me. Again. Like a sad ninja.


Obviously, having kids and getting older has changed me.


Probably being a guy is part of it too. Because I can relate to both the fatherhood aspect as well as the aspect of being a son.

“I used to be a little boy So old in my shoes And what I choose is my choice What’s a boy supposed to do? The killer in me is the killer in you My love I send this smile over to you”
-The Smashing Pumpkins, “Disarm”

Yeah, I used to be a little boy, too. I know what that’s like…and miss it. And remember some of my own traumas, and I can see how they’ve affected my life.


But what I think really brings the tears is how I see myself in my own children and how very much I want to be a good father to them.


The song makes me think about how much I love them. How beautiful they are, these spirits that have come to me from another world. How privileged I am to have them, how lucky I am to have the joy they bring into my life.


But also, how tender and impressionable they are. And how imperfect I am as a man and a father. How I would never want to do anything to hurt them, but, inevitably, I know that there are things I will do, even without knowing, that may hurt or negatively influence them. Just because I’m an imperfect parent and human.


Then I think, maybe there’s still time to make up for my mistakes. But they grow up so, so fast. And before I know it, they’ll be grown.


How I wish all of this wasn’t so.


Truly.


But, I am what I am and it is what it is.


All I can do is the best I can and hopefully forgive myself for the mistakes or the things I overlook.


Our kids really do deserve the best we can give them.

And as sad as a song like “Disarm” is, I’m grateful for the powerful feelings it evokes in me, because it gives me a renewed motivation to love my kids as best as I can — and make sure they know it.


And this is why “Disarm” is such a timeless and enduring song. It has the authenticity of coming from such a real, vulnerable, and powerful place of truth that we can all find ourselves in.


May those feelings be a prompting for us all to appreciate the value of our loved ones and hold them closer, while we can.


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